If I Had Starred in the Shining

I recently had the opportunity to see The Shining on the big screen and let me tell you, what a cinematic achievement! Though, some part of me, could not help but think, “What if I had been in this movie?” If I had, it would have been pretty different.1 Now, first things first, when the owners of the hotel told me that there would be no alcohol in the place, I would have shrugged and said, “No problem,” since I would have brought a grocery bag full of marijuana with me. I also would not have taken the job nearly as seriously as Jack Nicholson. Hiding behind the pretext of professional responsibility as a reason for killing your family doesn’t seem like something I could get into. If a ghost in a bathroom told me that I was the eternal caretaker of the hotel, I would have said, “Thanks but no thanks,” and then probably laid off the grocery weed for a couple days.

Read the rest of the piece at The Higgs Weldon

Jennifer Aniston Without Makeup


Jennifer poses with her stylist, sans makeup.

Theodore Roosevelt’s Big Deal

I’ve been watching Ken Burns’ new Roosevelt documentary and I thought I’d share some of the fascinating things I’ve learned. If you look at pictures of young Theodore Roosevelt, you see how lean and fine his features were. As he aged his head grew physically larger, as befits a great leader. Many other parts of his body grew as well, including his midsection, and his hands. By the end of his presidency he was able to flick a football across the room. Even his manhood increased gradually in size. At Oval Office meetings he was known to brag, “I am the largest president to ever sit in this office, if you understand my implication.” To which Secretary of Defense Barnacus Morgan often replied, “Yes indeed Mr Presidnt, we can feel it kicking our feet under the table.”

It was known to eat crumbs and foodstuffs dropped at dinner parties. The governor of Missouri was once reprimanded for slapping away the president’s organ as it had incessantly begged him for a chicken bone.
To his aides, he would remark, “Someday, when it has grown to its full size, I intend to shoot it and hang it on my wall.”
“Ha! Very good sir,” his aides would chuckle as they attempted to keep it from slobbering on their shoes. Amongst servants, it was the most hated job in the house to clean its water bowl.

But Theodore was not joking about his intentions and two years after leaving office he shot it off with an elephant gun and placed it in his trophy room like the great pink trunk of a prehistoric ant-eater. In later years, the Roosevelt children would dare each other to touch it, but of course the only one brave enough to do so was young Franklin, who went so far as to rig it up with a piece of string such that when servants entered into the room it would rear its head and peel back the foreskin, causing no small number of fine china plates, cups, and saucers to be dropped upon the floor.

A conversation with Jesse Elias on the benefits, or lack thereof, of Twitter

Jesse: What do you even get out of Twitter?

Miles: Well, it gives me an incentive to work on short jokes and raw ideas. That’s what I tell myself. Honestly, it might just be a compulsion.

Jesse: The way I see it, you’re writing for free, giving this horrible corporation content, and you’re burning through the material.

Miles: Yeah the free labor thing grosses me out but I don’t see why I can’t use the jokes again elsewhere. The whole idea is that you can test stuff out and see what sort of a response it generates.

Jesse: Oh but that’s just another trap. You tweet the wrong thing and all of a sudden you’re on trial in the kangaroo court of public opinion.

Miles: Oh my god! “The kangaroo court of public opinion.” That’s the best line I’ve heard all week. Is that a Jesse original?

Jesse: No… I’m pretty sure I’m stealing it from somewhere.

Jesse smiles.

New Classic Fun


My Most Popular Tweet to Date


Stand up clip

Seeking an Intern

higsweldonMy new advertisement for an unpaid, personal assistant is up.
Well over half of the text was culled directly from craigslist, ads
for unpaid internships. Even though the ad is a joke please
feel free to send me your resume.
You can read it at the Higgs Weldon.

8 Modern Day Omens

  1. Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
  2. When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo.
  3. Finding a spider in your bathtub means you must touch an old man’s leg before you buy your next lotto ticket.
  4. Take a fun, fanciful word that describes you and then add the word “taco” after it. That is your online dating screen name.
  5. A barista using whole milk instead of skim to make your coffee drink means your day is ruined.
  6. If an expert on a daytime television show lists seven signs that your partner is cheating on you and all of them apply then that expert is a witch.
  7. Passing by an accident on your way home from work is good luck.
  8. If no hummingbirds visit your hummingbird feeder then your children will be autistic.