My Most Popular Tweet to Date


Stand up clip

Seeking an Intern

higsweldonMy new advertisement for an unpaid, personal assistant is up.
Well over half of the text was culled directly from craigslist, ads
for unpaid internships. Even though the ad is a joke please
feel free to send me your resume.
You can read it at the Higgs Weldon.

8 Modern Day Omens

  1. Drop your phone. If it lands face up, you will receive welcome news from a friend or relative. If it lands face down, it is broken.
  2. When your entire face tingles you are about to be tagged in a photo.
  3. Finding a spider in your bathtub means you must touch an old man’s leg before you buy your next lotto ticket.
  4. Take a fun, fanciful word that describes you and then add the word “taco” after it. That is your online dating screen name.
  5. A barista using whole milk instead of skim to make your coffee drink means your day is ruined.
  6. If an expert on a daytime television show lists seven signs that your partner is cheating on you and all of them apply then that expert is a witch.
  7. Passing by an accident on your way home from work is good luck.
  8. If no hummingbirds visit your hummingbird feeder then your children will be autistic.


Creamer (Sketch)


Respect the Danger of Knives

My episode of “Respect the Danger of Knives” is the most popular ever according to hosts Steve Hernandez and Scott Luhrs. It was a great time talking about my sordid past and favorite songs.