Antiques Road Show of the Post Apocalypse

Announcer: Welcome to Antiques Road Show. This week we bring you to the Burning Waste, home of the longest continual funeral pyre. Will we discover treasures from before the shattering of the world? I hope so.

A stinking barbarian clad in leather stands across from an appraiser. They are both standing outside in a barren wasteland.

Appraiser: So this is a very interesting find, where did you get this?

Barbarian: I killed a family and took it from their wagon.

Appraiser: So this is a packet of seeds. Long ago families, just like the one you slaughtered, would plant them in something they called gardens.

Barbarian: (grunts)

Appraiser: Now these are flower seeds, which means the plants they’ll produce are decorative, if they were seeds for potatoes or cucumbers then-

Barbarian: Ragghhhh!

Appraiser: But they’re still very valuable! If you were to put these up at auction they might be worth as much as two human slaves, maybe even two slaves and a lame dog.

A man, GERG, proudly displays a large stack of money

Appraiser: Well these are a real find. Since they’re made out of paper there’s not a lot left, I’m surprised you didn’t burn these for warmth already.

Gerg: Oh it was tempting.

Appraiser: I’ll bet. So this was called “money” and do you know what it was used for?

Gerg: I think my Grandfather was given it in exchange for work.

Appraiser: That’s right people were made to work and then given this in return. Sometimes they could trade it for food or services.

Gerg: Right.

Appraiser: Now in its day this twenty dollar bill here would have been worth at least 10 cans of food.

Gerg: Wow!

Appraiser: Yes but the market’s really fallen out on currency ever since the collapse of society so you’re probably not going to be able to get much for any of these.

Gerg: Not even this one?

Holds up a bill that has Sarah Palin’s face stamped on.

Appraiser: Especially not that one.

A woman stands across from the appraiser, a baby is on the table between them.

Appraiser: So, Isix, how’d you come by this?

Isix: It came out of my body.

Appraiser: So this is a human, female infant. I’m guessing it’s about… four months old?

Isix: Yes.

Appraiser: And it’s got all ten fingers and toes so it looks like you kept it away from radiation while it was growing inside you. Of course, as you know, female children are hard to find these days. Just recently a baby girl, in poorer condition than this one, fetched over 200 shotgun shells in auction.

Isix: Oh well that’s nice to know but we’ll probably keep it in the family

Appraiser: Well this is an amazing find young lady. In fact, we’re going to have to take this one for safe keeping.

Isix: No, don’t take my baby!

Strongmen come in and drag away the shrieking woman.

Announcer: Well that’s been Antiques Road show, see you next time.