Joke GeneratorInsult: The only book you’ve opened in the last three years had matches in it.
October 21, 2014
12 Shiny Nickels
October 25, 2014
The Higgs Weldon
November 1, 2014
Los Angeles, CA
November 4, 2014
The Highland Park Show
November 5, 2014
Los Angeles, CA
November 14, 2014
November 18, 2014
Put Your Hands Together
December 2, 2014
- Saws picture of ex wife in half.
- Turns one ball into suicide note.
- Pulls incredibly long handkerchief out of mouth and then weeps into it uncontrollably.
- Guesses audience member’s card is stupid and pointless.
- Pulls rabbit from hat, locks rabbit in box and then never speaks to it again.
- Swallows sword, followed by gun barrel.
- Wraps self in straight-jacket and is lowered into glass of whiskey.
- Causes smiles to vanish.
As seen on the front page of Reddit
In the Star Trek universe, when one space faring race encounters another they always have at least one thing in common: both their ships are oriented the same way vis a vis up/down. But space has no objective up/down axis. Nonetheless, when the Enterprise runs into some Romulans it looks like this:
But it’s just as likely the two ships would encounter each other as such:
This could cause some confusion.
The only way to explain why different star ships always meet each other right side up is to postulate some sort of galactic standard. But this wouldn’t explain all the alien civilizations the Enterprise discovers that also fly at the same angle. This could have made for great story lines where alien races are offended by the upside down approach of the enterprise.
However, it bears mentioning that at least one species is an exception to this phenomenon.
Because of their simple ship design the Borg cannot be flanked, dropped onto or attacked from behind. The Borg have assimilated all three spatial dimensions into their ship design and they always appear right side up.
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- You only have to tell him once
- He can transform into a Television and watch himself
- You don’t have to take him to Disneyland to see his face light up
- He’s not dying of cancer
- His nose is a button and if you push it he will smile
- He beat your real son to death in unarmed combat
- You don’t have to go to his soccer games because he streams them to your phone
- Flame decals on abdomen
- When his birthday approaches you can set his clock back another month
- You can always send him back
Friendship is a strange thing. As I see it, life’s a competition to obtain the most prizes which means that anyone else should be thwarted at every available opportunity. But apparently friends are a necessity, since otherwise we would never be invited to dinner parties, or cocktail parties or have anyone to testify on our behalf as a character witness. So the other day I was standing in the middle of Macy’s department store with my very best friend Matthew when he said, “Boy all these shirts and I can’t find a single one I’d want to buy.” I turned to him quite in disgust and said, “It’s not about wanting to buy them for yourself but making sure that nobody else has them!” (I myself wear four shirts at a time, just to let everyone know that I’d rather die of heat stroke rather then let someone else get their grimy claws on my clothing) so after berating Matthew I threw up my arms and sighed in annoyance for roughly a minute and a half.
The thing you really have to keep in mind is that when you’re friends with someone you’re not allowed to actively sabotage them. The irony though is that friends make the most tempting targets since they’re constantly exposed, letting you into their houses where you can just start putting stuff in your pockets until all three of your jackets are bursting with nick-nacks and expensive items from the pantry. And then they say, “hey I thought you were only wearing three ties when you came in here? Isn’t that one mine?” at which point you should ask for their car keys. Wait, that was the old me. The me that lost all of my friends and is no longer invited to social functions with free shrimp and alcohol, the new me would have given back the tie and sent a card somewhat like the following
I have been told that you cannot exploit your friends because that would jeopardize the friendship but if your friend has something which makes you jealous, it is not acceptable to destroy the object even if it would save the friendship to do so. So how is that consistent? What I now know is that there are many rules when it comes to friendship and someone should really publish a book detailing them. I’m probably not qualified to write that book as long as I still have everyone’s social security cards in my junk drawer but maybe this is a start
Everything I have learned about friendship:
- Just because your friend is an organ donor does not make you “first in line”
- Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, which means you are allowed to call your friend anytime of night and ask for a car ride, however this does not apply to rides from your house to a separate location
- Publicly ranking your birthday presents is considered to be in poor taste
- Never post pictures of your friends on facebook that they did not realize you had taken, no matter how flattering they may look in their sleep
- Friends do not like it when you try to get them to fight each other to the death and become even more resentful if you tell them about an analogous event between your pet scorpion and a spider and how entertaining that was at the time
- It is surprisingly difficult to throw a bird into a pool
- Never let a friend into your junk drawer